Friends: Don't have them, don't need them, sure as hell don't want to watch them

 

 

May 6, 2004. A day that I will always remember. The day that the world will finally be a better place. No more goddamn new episodes of Friends. No more having the girlfriend saying "No, we can't watch Smackdown, Friends is on!" No more sitting at work and listening to people talk about Friends. No more watching Rachel running around like a retard, although we all know she's married to Tyler Durden so she must not be worthless after all. If you missed the series finale tonight, then congratulations, you've saved yourself the pain equivalent to passing a kidney stone. If you did see it, please let me give you my condolences. It was exactly like the season finale EVERY FUCKING YEAR. It's like they think their audience is retarded (entirely possible, I've seen some of you) or they ran out of ideas. I mean, really, what else can you show about the same fucking six people week in, week out?

Here's a template for the show:

• Ross confesses his love for Rachel for the seventeenth time. Rachel continues to bang everyone.
• Phobe says something stupid. Monica laughs with her, since she doesn't understand either.
• Chandler makes a keen observation about something. No one pays attention or cares.
• Joey walks in and makes a stupid face. Prerecorded audience laughs. I shut off my TV and slit my wrists.

But why explain it to you when I can just show you?

Yep, they're all gay. Laugh now, please.

Ross, if you actually punched her, I'd like the show

Still gay

All they need now is a tight noose

<Insert wrist-slitting joke here>

I'd kick that door closed so hard

Bandage on your head? From sucking dick, just like your show

Stand around and not be funny. Good. Keep it up for 10 seasons.

 

My point? Thank God it's over. I can't wait until the reunion episode years from now. Another reason to cancel your cable. Do it, and do it soon.