Don't be a fucking wuss, Vol. 2

 

 

Since it's Remembrance Day, I'd like to take a moment to honor the great Veterans that protected our freedom - because they were MEN - kinda like myself, and kinda unlike you pussies.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be politically and/or socially conscious. My dad was in the army but then he realized that it's better to fucking quit and use his "I'm in the army" story for the rest of his life to get laid over and over with young naive girls. 40 years later, it's still working. The story, anyway. Ha.

So yeah, my last advice article came out September 22nd and yet some of you fuckers didn't listen. I told you how to be a man. I guess I can offer a bit more advice since you're all such loyal v2 fans and all. Just be warned if these tips don't work, you might as well go back to whacking off to old episodes of Saved by the Bell - you're beyond help.

 

 

Don't Always Agree

I'm walking in the mall with 3-4 (this is an average) fairly attractive girls and then we go to the food court. They all buy me food. As I'm eating and getting my feet massaged (I need if from all that 4-2 downshifting), I looked around and heard this conversation:

"Hey Mark, let's go to Le Chateau."
"Yes honey, whatever you say."
"Good, whatever."

You stupid, stupid FUCK. Stop being so agreeable! This is up there on the don't-fucking-do-this list. What did I say last time? Women want a man that's a challenge. If you agree all the time, they'll think you're a pushover that has no penis (which is true). When you say "no" to a girl, you're showing her who's boss. You're showing her that you have needs and that you won't stand for her feminazi shit. Women want a man that's firm and is willing to show some leadership. Let's look at that above example and let's do it right this time:

"Hey Mark, let's go to Le Chateau."
"No. You're too fucking fat to wear anything from that store."
"Sounds good! When we get home I will make you a steak dinner."

See what I mean? Works like a charm. I've been doing for years and once I even banged someone's wife because of it. She wasn't married back then, but she is now, so I fucked someone's wife. A wrecked a home before it got started. Me 1, His Home 0.

It's OK to touch

This topic is particularly sensitive to me. You know what was invented in 1994? "Sexual Harassment." Before that, it used to be called "Flattery." Isn't that awful? These days you can barely make oral sex noises to a girl at church. That's nonsense. What's even worse is that some girls don't want you randomly touching them. Let me let you in on a little secret guys - that's just a test to see how man you are. They're just looking to separate the men from the boys. A real man will always do the business. Sometimes a girl will even bait you with her body. If you DON'T touch her due to fear of consequences, you're insulting her. You're making her self-conscious of her body. You're...being...a...PUSSY. Stop reading this article, go to Shoppers Drug Mart and get yourself some tampons. Here's an example of what not to do.

If you got this lucky, you'd probably screw it up anyway

Look familiar? Minus seeing any skin, this has probably happened to you. And you wussed out, as usual. Now here's an example of how it's done:

You snooze, you lose. I'm a fucking insomniac

And just like that. One things leads to another and you're the man. No more needs to be said. Two hands, two jugs. One schlong, one mouth. Coincidence? Hardly.

Location is nothing

So many guys make the same damn excuse over and over. "Where am I supposed to meet hot girls? They don't go where I hang out! Blah blah blah." More fucking bullshit talk. Girls are everywhere! You can't pass up any one place. Just because you like to hang out at Games Workshop (you're neutered, it's OK) doesn't mean you can't cross the mall and hit the cell phone store. Every girl and her mother have a cell phone, so you're always going to find them there. Ever notice how girls watch those shitty chick flicks? Well they get them from Blockbuster, don't they? What are you waiting for? Every hot, miserable, mildly-suicidal, ever-so-slightly-overweight hottie is spending Friday night alone watching A Walk to Remember or Save the Last Dance. They would be boning you, except that you're too fucking stupid to go to the right place.

A true "action" hero

You guys are thinking too hard. A real man can pick up anywhere. It's almost better that way - a girl won't be prepared, so you might even see them with their makeup not done (this is as exciting as seeing a nipple slip). She might even be in a bad mood (usually grocery shopping for cookies and ice cream) and a well-placed ass grab might melt her heart. Do it. Do it now. A&P is open 24 hours. Also, try drugs stores. Any girl that shops for condoms is a good catch. If you see a girl getting her birth control pill prescription filled, you've hit the jackpot.

Talk about yourself all the time

Someone once told me this is bad advice. I disagree. Here's the reason, presented to you in such a way that even you could understand.

• A chick has to want you. If she doesn't, there's no point it talking to her
• If a chick wants you, she'll deal with anything you say or do
• Therefore, you might as well talk about yourself

A date that doesn't talk about her pets or her annoying friend is a good date by default

Can you even argue with that advice? I didn't think so. Not even close.

The spirit of competition

This is a little secret. Girls are crazy competitive! They always want to be the hottest, thinnest, blondest (some don't even try. Sigh) smartest...and most importantly, the sluttiest. If you're working on a girl and you show interest in someone else, she'll want you even more.

Trick psychology at its finest

It's such an easy concept but it's easy to screw up. You can't do it too obviously, or the first girl will get annoyed and just playerhate you. You can't let a bitch BK you like that. If you don't do it strongly enough, then she thinks you're just fucking indecisive. Most important thing is to let them think they have a goal to accomplish and another girl is just a roadblock to being with you. When I'm at the bars picking up groups of girls, I always go for the worst looking one. The hot ones get so jealous and bewildered that they end up fucking you just to prove a point. Mission accomplished. Also, as a side note, when you've banged one of the girls, next time mention to her friends that she was the best in bed and no girl could ever top that. Mission accomplished. Again.

 

That's all my advice to give to you this time.  Now get off the goddamn Internet and get going. Make my dad proud.