Tommy v2 rocks the nation's capital

 

 

I just got up and decided that I needed to go visit Ottawa. It's the capital city of this goddamn country and I haven't seen anything past the pictures on the coins. Being the spontaneous, handsome fucker that I am I decided to go spread my propaganda to another city. Not only that, but I also spent enough time here to write you lucky fuckers an article right from the heart of the city. You know how hard it is to write an article while several drunk skanks are dancing in your apartment? Well neither do I. Fuck. Ottawa sucks.

Tommy's in Ottawa - Bitches come!
 

I woke up and had breakfast at Cora's - a local breakfast/lunch chain. This place was hot. Huge fucking lineup, it was like getting a rez at Dorsia's! There were like a hundred sobering college sluts there, and I seduced a few of them. Ottawa girls don't understand how to please a man of my celebrity. I'm sorry I'm not bilingual, I don't speak French very well, I don't care how delicious the waffles were. All I know is that I need to bang someone who will not laugh when I say "Qui est ton papa?!" Ottawa girls can't even deliver that. For shame. Our President Prime Minister wouldn't be proud of this city...

It looks sissy, but inside it's thug lovin'

After breakfast, I decided that I should do the usual tourism crap first and get it over with. Visiting parliament was pretty interesting -- interesting to see how many times I could yawn in the middle of the day. Boring! Let's skip that crap. You can read a detailed description in your history textbook if you'd like.

They're all dressed in v2 colors. Coincidence? I banged them all (the blonde twice)

You know what pisses me off? Everyone told me that Ottawa is so cold. Bullshit. It's the same temperature as anywhere else. Just like everyone in the States thinks that Canada is full of igloos running high-speed Internet, everyone here thinks that Ottawa is the frigid ice desert (actually, that's my one ex's bedroom). Well it ain't people, it's fine here. Really. Stop the nonsense. Spread rumors about how big my schlong is instead, that's way more accurate.

I haven't arreted in years, so I'll be OK

It's really crazy - there's so many French people here that everything is bilingual - and I mean everything! At one point I was saying "Sucke the la cock les skankes chaud" just to fit in. Luckily it worked. Twice. Unlike most people I know, I rather like the French. I love their language and they're much classier in their behavior. I just love hearing girls moaning with accents. "Tommy la version deux!!!" is just music to my ears, really.
 

Step 1 of my desperate attempt to mint a v2 coin

I went to go visit the Royal Canadian Mint. That's where they make money. Fucking make money, can you imagine that? I wish I went there for Take Our Kids to Work Day. Why does my dad have to do something like make hotels and apartments when he could be fucking making money? How do you get paid there? Cheque? That seems a little counterproductive.

Ottawa has signs that I've never seen anywhere else. It's some fucked up shit.

The single most violent picture I've ever seen

Giant black man running over a white cripple? That's racialist

You think the capital of a country that invented so many technological advancements wouldn't have all those ass-backwards things like horses and castles all over the place, but alas, they're all over the place. What in the fuck is the point of having horses transporting people around? They stink and they are slow - holy shit it's a Volkswagen! Yuck. And those rims? Oh please. They may be 42"s but they ain't chrome nor are they spinners. That shit is whack.

Xibit be proud - this ride is officially been pimped

Avril Lavigne won't meet any boyfriends here

Luckily Ottawa has some common sense and prohibited skateboarding in most public places. That's a good start. How about the next step? "Take a shower you dirty fuckers!" comes to mind.
 

I always knew that Zellers was way ghetto

In Ottawa they have a mall where the mall part is outside. That's crap. I wanted to see skanky 15-year-olds strutting their stuff, but not in the rain. Luckily, there are proper malls here too. Unluckily, Ottawa girls aren't very hot. I saw a few hot ones, but they must've been from my hometown. So much for the stereotypes of hot, easy, scantily-clad French-speaking girls running all over the place...

American activists need to fucking learn how to spell... "disam" for fuckssake...
 

Walking by the American Embassy got me thinking. Our Canadian government buildings are pretty much totally open to the public, the guards are always posing for pictures and drinking fucking Timmy's, while at the American Embassy we have:

• Huge iron fences

• Floodlights

• Armed guards with tons of radio equipment

• Concrete barricades

• Rampant vandalism with not one hint of intelligence

• Zero hot bitches

I'm definitely not an American hater - I rather like Americans - but their Embassy here sucks. It reminds me of that one retarded kid who goes out for recess wearing a helmet, kneepads, and a whistle. Draw your own conclusion.

The urge to buy a wire cutter was unusually strong

They say that Ottawa has so much culture and architecture that walking around is like experiencing Europe. Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep someone just buzzed in with "Fuck no!"  Ottawa is nothing like Europe. First of all, where's all the hot anorexic teens? The terrorists? Those crap Euro cars? The gay Euro people? It's hard to suspend disbelief that this is Canada when every second person is wearing a fucking Ottawa Senetors hockey jersey. Sorry guys, buildings with pointy roofs and horses shitting all over the place does not Europe make. I was the most European thing in the whole city - but that's probably because I fuck like a German porn star.

Slightly nicer than the East Court Motel I take most girls to

Ah, those wacky French people!

I decided that although this city was nice and all, I was better off in my hometown. I don't mean to sound bitter, but when I'm stranded in a foreign city with no cash and Manchu Wok won't accept Interac, I'm at a loss. When I throw a rock at a skateboarder and they start yelling obscenities at me in French, I'm at a loss. When girls start bitching and screaming something about "Les kits des pregnancies testere" then I'm really at a loss. Luckily, deep in the heart of the city I found my savior. I guess "Les Six Pack" is a universal term. God bless this country.
 

Even I have my religious moments

In conclusion, I'd like the thank the city of Ottawa for finally hosting someone worthy of royalty. When the Queen came here, no one cared. When I came here, they practically stopped traffic (that had nothing to do with the fact that I had some beers and couldn't see where the fuck I was going). It's good to see a big city with such respect and class.

Oh yeah, and supposedly my other ex lives here too. That explains all these guys walking around with those stupid grins...