Halloween is fucking stupid
Have you heard about how much I like Halloween? No? There's a reason for that. It's retarded. A national obsession based on getting dressed up as something you're not (attractive, cool, scary, important) and then going out to get candy. Yeah, it's great for fat little children who have bad teeth already. Let's examine the key points and maybe you'll understand the v2 point of view...
Getting Dressed Up in Costumes
The girl on the right is hot, the other two...not so much
Getting dressed up is pretty silly. I mean think about it - don't we dress up every day anyhow? I dress as a pimp/pornstar/winner and you dress like a nerd/lazy/loser. Some people go all out on their costumes and do a great job, and others - "Very impressive. A Nike T-shirt and Dracula teeth. Wow." Girls' costumes are always so much less impressive. Put on a shiny dress - you're a princess!
The most boring pussy ever
Put lines on your face with eyeliner - bam, you're a cat! Wear cardboard wings - yowza, you're an angel! Wear kneepads - congrats, you're my ex girlfriend! See, it's so easy.
A thin girl dressing as a pumpkin. It's fucking terrible, and she should be ashamed
Guys, on the other hand, have it slightly harder. There are so many ideas you can pick but they're all difficult. Wanna dress up as Wolverine? Look at all the shit you have to buy! Wanna dress as a pimp? Velvet suits ain't cheap. Stealing your grandpa's cane won't do the trick.
Funny part is that this doesn't look much different than downtown in July
Usually you just see guys give up and wear simple costumes.
"Who the fuck are you supposed to be?"
"I'm wearing sunglasses, dumbass."
"Oh yeah, right. Neo. Good one."
I don't know why everyone thinks that kids look adorable when they're wearing costumes. Wow, a monster. Scary! Wow, a Power Ranger. Wow, who gives a shit. You can tell at this stage which boys are going to be virgins forever. Dressed as a karate kid? Virgin for life. Dressed as a cowboy? Ditto. Not wearing a costume and still scare people? Check.
Little girls, too, are telltales. Dressed as a cheerleader? I'll see you in 6-8 10 years. Dressed as a princess? Stuck up bitch. Dressed as a witch? Future Goth.
"Hey little girl, what are you supposed to be?"
"A Housewife."
"..."
Fucking kids these days. Back in my day, we had awesome costumes. Ninja Turtles, GI Joe, Ghostbusters...now they have Spongebob, Firefighters and Terrorists. Boring! What the fuck is "Pop Star" costume anyway? A karaoke machine and makeup? Fuck I dunno. I thought Halloween was supposed to be about scary monsters, not dressing up as fantasies. Go figure. Society dilutes everything anyway. Seen Easter lately? Children nowadays swear that it's about rabbits giving birth to chocolate. Jesus would be so proud.
I'm going to jail for looking at the cheerleader, but...
Anyway, back on topic. Even when I grew up I always had the best costumes. I once dressed up as the guy banging your sister. Too bad that on November 1st I still owned you.
Trick or Treating
See, this is the stupidest part of all. You have to waste you whole night sitting by the door and giving candy to fat children, the exact same children that throw eggs at your house and shit in your backyard. God I hate kids. They're good for two things:
1) Nothing
2) The girl ones grow up to be bangable
They ring the doorbell. You open the door.
"Trick or treat!"
"Trick!" you say.
The kids just stand there confused holding their bag out. Ha. Gets 'em every time.
Kids dressed up as Mortal Kombat characters? Soon they'll be wearing a fucking dunce cap
I hate kids. That's probably why I hate Halloween. It's a whole day all for them. I'm going to adopt kids when I'm older. I'm going to adopt 17-year-olds that are ready to move out on their own and buy me gold watches for Christmas.
My kind of party
Trick or Treating sucks, but Halloween parties are similarly stupid. Why would you go to a party looking worse than normal? The girls usually do something to look hot (Maids, Nurses, Hookers) but you fucking guys do your best to look retarded. "Dude, I'm dressed as Luke Skywalker!" Dude, you're a loser.
Consider this pumpkin upgraded!
You know what I do like? Jack 'o Lanterns. They're awesome. I like seeing pieces of them all over my car and the dents that follow. My lights are off, I'm supposedly not home! Go away you fucking brats! I'm trying to whack off to broadband-speed Internet porn, not answer my door to give you fuckers candy. This year I'm going to sit in my room and spray them with Pine-Sol if they act up.
Candy
Candy. See, I dunno about candy. I used to like it. I'm not a kid anymore, nor am I a girl - so candy is out. Do I need to pay big bucks to buy candy just to give away to kids? Nope. I'll just give out useless shit like packets of sweetener that I swiped from Timmy's, or McDonald's ketchup packets. Don't like that, kids? Fine, I'll give all the little girls condoms. Damn, that'd be expensive...but well worth it 10 years from now.
Ever since 9/11, the whole world has been obsessed with terrorism. Halloween 2001 barely happened. Every parent was concerned with terrorist candy. Anthrax chocolate bars. I was finally hoping all this Halloween nonsense was over. Once when I was younger, some Indian guy on my street gave me weed instead of candy. I mean that's pretty cool because that means that when Crimestoppers had their drug dealer promo, I got a new Playstation. Rock 'n roll.
Halloween - giving dentists BMWs and Benzes for over 60 years
I'll never know how kids fall for the old razor-blade-in-apple trick
All right, I'll admit. There's one thing I do like about Halloween. If you get it, good for you. If you don't, I won't be surprised.
Highlight below for the answer (fucking cheater!)
She's a goth the other 364 days. Ha. Fuck I'm so clever.
In closing, I'd like to wish all you fuckers a happy Halloween. Play safe. I'll be getting laid while you're dressing up or giving candy out. The only trick or treating I'll be doing is down some girl's pants. The only thing I'll be wearing is a condom. Ha. Fuck I'm awesome. Now's that's scary...
