Blondes are just better, deal with it
Let me try to explain my situation to you. I think it's gotten serious enough that I'm seriously considering setting up a humanitarian charity just so I can survive another day.
My whole life, I've always been a fan of blondes. Love blondes. I love blonde porn harlots. I love blonde arm hair, I love how a girl can even have a blonde moustache and get away with it. A few of my girlfriends were blondes and I even liked them, too. I'd bleach my cat blonde if the fucker could stand still long enough. So far so good right? Wrong.
No one's blonde these days. Yeah, you have celebrities, but they they count? Nah. I mean, honest to god blonde skanks running around town, where the fuck are they? Is is a crime to look your best? You always look good blonde. Not debatable.
Recently a girl I know got her hair dyed blonde. "I'm going blonde!" she says. My pants immediately tighten.
Then I see the hair. It looked great, except...fucking buzzkiller.
Why in the hell is there little bits of brown in her hair? What the hell are "streaks"? What the fuck's a "highlight"? I WANT BLEACH FUCKING BLONDE. No bullshit! Is that so hard? "But Tom, that doesn't look natural..."
Shut the fuck up. You know what's NOT natural? To be 22 years old and unable to achieve an erection because no one's blonde anymore. Seriously, you fucking girls need to smarten up and blonde up. Years ago I dated a blonde. She left hairs in my car and I occasionally had to pull over and jerk off just because I like blonde so much. Never mind who it belongs to, that's irrelevant. Wear a wig. Dunk your head in paint. Surprise me. The whiter the better, the faker the better, too. If I wanted "natural" I'd get your ex to shop shaving her armpits. If you're going to do something, do it right. Watch and learn.
- Are you an unattractive girl? If so, follow this formula. Guaranteed to work for everyone.
add blonde hair
+ decent tan
+white or black clothes
+sunglasses
=hot
That's it. Works every time. If you disagree, then you are wrong. Check out the following examples if you're not hip to the blonde thing.
Elisha Cuthbert. I love this girl. Check it out girls, I see dark roots coming out! Oh no! She's faking it! Hot damn.
Jenna Jameson. When I saw her when I was a kid, I thought that only blondes could be that good in bed. I was right.
"Brunette." Nice looking hair, except that I fell asleep hours ago. There's no point in showing this girl's face since her whole head looks like a fucking Doberman.
No matter how hot you are, if you have red hair, YOU LOOK LIKE THIS. If you find that offensive, you must have red hair.
"That is a doll," you say. If you have black hair, you're no better than a doll. Seriously. Dye it blonde.
Just to prove my point above about everyone looking their best as blondes, check this out. If you disagree, then you've inhaled too many hair dye fumes.
vs. 
Christina Aguilera in blonde and black hair form. Do I even need to put a clever caption?
God I love blondes.
I was blonde at one point. Blondes really do have more fun. I was actually getting laid back then and I had fun every day. Fuck, just waking up and looking in the mirror was fun because my hair was yellow. It ruled.
I can't wait until it goes back into fashion, maybe part of this whole fucking retro old-school thing that's happening. Then I will be a man again. Until then, you girls will have to do. I'll buy you skanks wigs and then at least I can be satisfied for once. Blondes really do have more fun...with me.
