Once you pop, you can't stop

 

 

 

Sometimes when I write my articles I wish I had the ability to make shit up just in case the world runs out of crazy shit to write about. Fortunately, all my fears are quelled on a daily basis as I discover things too fucked up to ignore. Case in point, check this out. I wish I was making this up. I wish this was a Photoshop job, but unfortunately...it's not. Yuck.

You ever think that companies sometimes go way too far to refresh their product line? Apparently yes. This has got to be the most blatant, disgusting thing I've seen since my last girlfriend decided to...hehe, I can't tell you that. But I assure you, it was pretty gross.

See that number, 161 grams? That's not a weight number, that's a fuck you number

So I pick up this can of Pringles. Check it out everyone...they're not just Pringles. They have FUN FACTS painted on them! Thinking this must be a misprint or strange packaging, I quickly open it to discover the horror inside.

Fun facts about Australian wildlife. Because that's way more important than telling someone to not eat chips with paint on them

Chips with writing on them. Wow. Whoever signed the release papers for this marketing should be shot (twice) and force fed these chips. In a world where "all natural ingredients", "no preservatives" and "carbohydrates" are huge buzzwords, you bring out heavily salted chips with painted writing on them. I'd pat you on the back, but I'd be too tempted to kick you in the nads and laugh at you. Now, parents everywhere can buy their overweight children chips knowing that THEY WILL LEARN GREAT STUFF! They will learn FUN FACTS! Feel guilty no more, parents, your perfect snack food has arrived. This is the snack food equivalent of the cancer pill. No, this is the cancer pill.

Some idiot is bound to say "No way! 01 isn't the highest score one can achieve!" Thank god birth control is getting easier to use

Truthfully, I couldn't stop eating them. Every single chip had something new and "exciting" written on them. I kept eating and eating, and guess what? I was LEARNING SOMETHING. I couldn't stop until I reached...

Awesome, even the French children of Canada can get in on $1.83 education!

The French chip. Q'est que fuck is this? What better way to insult the cultured French people of Canada by letting them participate in this abomination of human rights and decency. I was highly insulted - and angry, since I had to get out my French dictionary and translate that shit. Think you're going to keep FUN FACTS away from me, huh? No deal. I will even learn French while I get fat!

Check the back of the chip - that appealing green discoloration. Nice work, fuckers...

Didn't I just do an article on school? In the future, your desk at school will look like this

Seriously, what the fuck is the world coming to? Did they need to fuck up the snack foods industry any more? Is it unreasonable to have products that don't have an ulterior motives other than making you fatter and thirstier? Now when I see those "hot" university girls with the chubs sticking out of their now-too-small pants, I can at least be assured that they're not just all looks and no brains- they're full of FUN FACTS as well! Well fuck me.

If anyone working at those places is reading this, let my voice be heard - MAKE THESE IN PRINGLES LIGHT TOO! Ha. Bet you didn't think I was gonna say that, eh? Fuck I'm so clever sometimes. Seriously fuckers, don't make these chips anymore. I don't need a fucking math equation on my chips. I don't need my chips with green stains on the back (that's what the back of a girl's shirt is for if you catch my drift *cough* *cough*fuckingheronasoccerfield*cough* cough*) I seriously don't need to have French writing on my chips, no matter what the fuck they're saying. It's just a matter of time before I bite into an apple with ads on it. Oh wait, they already have stickers. Fuck.

 

Incorrect. The fastest dog was my second girlfriend.

It's just a matter of time before I bite into a piece of chicken with a website URL on it. And if I do, it'd better be my fucking website. Chernobyl Farms, you listening?

I'm going to puke now. Then I'm going to my local convenience store and buying a few more cans of these. I might have to baby-sit my nephews soon and fuck knows feeding them these things is way easier than trying to teach them things. I just have to make sure I get a few cans before they're recalled by the Ministry of Health.