If you want girls, stop being a fucking wuss

 

 

I've been doing a lot of talking with girls (this is normal, I am a stud) lately and learning what the average girl thinks of today's average guy. The results are in, guys:

You're all fucking wussies.

Although spellcheck says that wussies isn't a real word, I assure you, it IS real, and most you fuckers are in fact, wussies. I hear so many guys going around saying that girls are too complicated and "crazy." Are you fuckers kidding? Girls are simple to figure out. You guys think of all this complicated shit, and you're forgetting the most important fact of all.

99% of women are straight. They like MEN.

See what key word? Men? Yeah. That's what most women like. So why are most of today's men actually women? Instead of exploring why men turn to deviant lifestyles (that's a whole other article), I'm going to tell you fuckers what you're doing wrong.

 

Flowers

When a guy takes a girl out, for some reason he comes up with flowers. Where do you come up with that shit? Advice from your mom? You actually want a girl like your mom? No? Well then cut that shit out. Today's modern girl is so hardcore and independent that getting her flowers is like telling her to go cook you dinner and do your laundry (as she should). In fact, don't get her anything. Buying a girl a present is like telling her that she can't get anything herself. Next time it's your girl's birthday, buy her nothing. She doesn't deserve it. Birthday cake? Fuck, let her bake it. She'll love you for it.

If a girl sees this, you're back to whackin'

 

Trying to impress

I hear some of the things you wussies do on dates. You take a girl out and you try to impress her with your talents. What the hell are you thinking? This isn't show and tell, this isn't some reality show. When you take a girl out your first, last and only priority should be to get her naked. Anything else means you're a fucking dandelion and you should be ashamed of yourself.

You're better off putting on a CD while she's drunk

Playing guitar for a girl is about the most pansy thing a guy can do.
"Wow Sean, you're so talented! You're so much better than all those much hotter and more successful rock groups. Seeing you play your acoustic guitar to me shows me that you're going to be rich and famous one day. There's such a huge demand for acoustic guitar playing metrosexuals these days."

See my point? You're just some loser with a guitar. You're not Puff Daddy. You're not John Mayer. You don't have a song produced by Lil Jon. You're definitely not part of Sum 41. You're not going to be a famous rockstar because you can play four bars of Green Day.

If you were like Patrick Bateman, you'd score with two girls. Unfortunately you're a pussy

Having pictures of your family in your dorm room trying to impress girls with your "grounding" and "sweetness" only leads to them thinking you're a mama's boy who cries after anal sex. You want to impress a girl? Get her worst enemy pregnant.

 

Flattery gets you where?

Guys say the most fucked up things to girls to make them feel "special."  That shit makes Tommy v2 sick. Seriously, you fuckers have it all wrong. Guys will say shit like "Oh my god, you're so gorgeous."

The girl blushes. Congrats, champ, you've just inflated her ego and she's not going to use it on you. You have be cool when you compliment girls. You have to use tricknology. Observe.

"You're pretty hot, I guess."
"Thanks. Umm...wait, you guess?"
"Yeah, not bad. You couldn't turn me on or anything like that. I've had way hotter girls."
"Oh yeah? Let's go find out, shall we?!"

And BAM, just like that, you score. Use a girl's competitive nature to your advantage. Being all sweet gets you money from your grandma, not ass from your date. I regularly yell at bitches and say the damnedest things. But guess what? No matter how proud or feminazi they are, they all succumb to my charm. The only time I flatter a girl is to tell her how much better she was than the girl earlier that day.

Ditching a girl with the bill. Up there with finding money in the street

 

You snooze you lose

You remember that asshole in high school who banged all the hottest girls? Banged the prom queen? Banged your sister? Well he was an asshole and and all the girls loved it. He was out being a man while you just bitched about women all day. All the sluts fell for his scheme while you spent all lunch wishing you could smell like his hand. Maybe one day when we're all old and useless girls will appreciate a good computer nerd or church boy - until then, you'd better be giving P.Diddy a run for his money.

Girls these days want a MAN. They need a thug. They need a man to make them feel protected and feminine. You see the girls famous rappers get? See the girls you get? Exactly. You guys out there need to step up and be MEN. Stop reading Maxim, stop asking your mom for advice, stop trying to "go with the flow" - you have to kick some ass and know your damn role. Be a man. Bang a girl, don't try to be one.