What's worse than going back to school? Nothing

 

 

What's worse than going back to school?

Nothing. Seriously. Don't believe me? Watch and learn.

 

Ah yes, the day after labor day. Millions of people are getting up in the morning, getting all beautiful and preparing themselves for another 8-10 months of fucking torture. Don't get me wrong - everyone should go to school and get a good post-secondary education - but seriously, why does it have to fucking suck so hard? I would honestly rather have my appendix taken out with coat hanger than spend another minute in school. I went to school, never missed a class. Got a perfect attendance certificate in Grade 12 and OAC. And guess what? I hated every minute of it. College - I didn't mind that. It was like high school without any of the good parts - oh wait. Scratch that. It sucked, too.

Even worse than going to school? The first day of school. Let me recap those horrid memories for you, just in case nostalgia is clouding your judgement.

Does it look empty to you? It must be church day.

 

The First Day of School Recap

Grade JK

• You found the new box of crayons on your desk. You then ate a few. You get a hanger with your name on it.

Grade 1

• You see all the new students that weren't in your JK class. You try to kill them with your rounded scissors, but you fail miserably and they end up fucking your girlfriend 14 years later.

Grade 2

• You now have the motor skills to enjoy the playground to its full potential. So does little Tommy, who pushes you off and breaks your arm

Grade 3

• You play kissing tag. Joke's on you, the little girls have Chlamydia

Grade 4

• Barbie and GI Joe lunch boxes are no longer acceptable. You cry accordingly.

Grade 5

• The playground at recess no longer seems appealing because all the popular people no longer go on it. They stand in groups and talk about "summer", although technically it's still summer after Labour Day

Grade 6

• After looking around and seeing that all the girls have grown tits over the summer break, you start masturbating and not feeling guilty because they finally look "old enough"

Grade 7

• You make friends with some of the older kids. They don't really like you, but they do like selling pot to you to fund their activities

Grade 8

• You are the oldest and most powerful. You hear all the stories of the most popular girl in school having sex and you tell yourself "I'm next" because you're the man

 

High School

Ah, high school. That was decent; the lunchtime at the nearby park at least

Grade 9

• You are back to being the youngest and most useless. You dress to impress. You have the nicest, most expensive Nike shoes - too bad so does half the school. Sucker.

Grade 10

• You tell yourself you won't fuck up like you did in grade 9. That goal is as realistic as your little sister keeping her virginity.

Grade 11

• You are now almost an adult. You act accordingly - by working harder, staying organized, planning for the future (ie: which beer you will drink on the weekend)

Grade 12 / OAC

• You are the oldest and most powerful again. Some of your friends still haven't gotten laid. You start to worry. You tell yourself that this will be the best year of your life. You are wrong, as always.

College / University

Ah yes, post-secondary education. A brilliant move for the future or a waste of fucking time? Depends on which rich and famous person you ask...

 

They are dressed like the Canadian Olympic team, and win just as often

$3700 a year for this kind of education at Western? Better to spend it on...oh, ANYTHING

The "king" went here. Explains all the girls that go here...drama queens, wannabe rockstars, gold diggers, etc.

Ah yes, "Funshawe." It'd be even more fun if it didn't cost money

 

1st Year University / College

• You're still recovering from frosh week. You realize that post-secondary is a sham and that it's just an excuse to party all the time. It's too late, the cheque's been cashed.

2nd Year University / College

• You run into all the hot girls you used to know in high school. They are now all fat although you'd never tell them that. You can finally stop jerking off about them and dream of their younger sisters because you're still too young to be a "perv"

3rd Year University / College

• At this point you must really like school so you might even be going places - like being McDonald's management!

4th Year University / College

• Congratulations, all the drop-outs are out making money and you now owe the government $31,000. Owned.

How to make School Cool

Holy shit, I rhymed there. Now for a few things that would make school worth going to.

Useful courses

• Proper driving 101 - handbrake turns, narrowly avoiding pedestrians, driving drunk from the bars
• Hand to hand combat 101 - I'm not talking about that sissy Judo class in Phys Ed. I'm talking about straight up gangster shit. Knives, socks with pennies, the works
• Pimpin' 101 - Impressing shallow girls with the useless stuff you've amassed by working your ass off
• Sex Ed 101 - you watch porn all day and discuss the merits of monogamy and birth control
• Playerhatin' 101 - This course would be available, but I'd kick the ass of whoever signed up for it
• Tomology 101 - Study of Tommy v2 and all his greatness. Learn to mack bitches, make girls cry, write articles and get laid while you're getting paid

And you know what the very best way to make school good again? If they made you read PROPER books. Instead of all the Shakespeare crap and Tale of Two Cities, you'd read websites, porn magazines, Maxim, Car & Driver, etc. And you would have to read the greatest book ever written:

You'd sell your fucking soul to read this. Or wait until April 31, 2005. Your choice.

It's only a matter of time before my book is mandatory reading in schools. Imagine the in-depth study you could do on my book. A tale of friends, foes, bitches, lies, deception, rumours, exes, your exes, etc. Every person is dying to get their hands on it just so they can read about themselves and the true story behind all the drama. If I see Coles Notes for my book one day, consider my life mission accomplished.

Going back to school sucks. Believe it. Drop out now and you'll be a rock star in no time.